The World Cup is cursed. That much is clear. Star players are getting injured left and right, tournament contenders are being mowed down in their warm-up friendlies by teams that didn't qualify, reports of corruption and bizarre controversies keep filtering out of South Africa, and penguins are threatening to take over the game across Asia. Pele, if you are reading this, then please, put on a helmet.
So the question isn't whether the World Cup is cursed. The question is what's causing it. What pyramid has been disturbed? What princess has eaten the wrong brand of delicious apple? What tubby Red Sox pitcher has been shown a bat and sold to the New York Yankees? Only when we unearth the answer to this searing question can we put things to rights and let the spirits rest. Thus, because it is obviously up to me to save all soccer as we know it, I give you The Curse of the Henry Handball.
Recall, if you will, the night of Nov. 18, 2009. This was the crisp autumn eve when Ireland played France in Paris with a trip to the World Cup on the line. Thanks to France's 1-0 win four days earlier in Ireland, the Irish team needed an improbable road victory against the heavily favored French to keep their hopes for South Africa alive. Amazingly, in the 32nd minute, Ireland's Robbie Keane scored, leveling the tie at 1-1. And that was where the match finished. Both teams still needed one goal to make the World Cup. We went to extra time.
Your view of what happened next depends on whether you are Swedish referee Martin Hansson or any of the other approximately 6,824,899,999 people on Earth. If you are the referee, France's Thierry Henry made a routine legal pass to William Gallas, who knocked the ball into net and won the game for France. If you are anyone else who is currently alive on the planet, France's Thierry Henry stopped the ball from going out of bounds with his hand, bobbled it in the air, batted up with his hand a second time, spun it on his fingertip like a Harlem Globetrotter, then passed it to William Gallas, who knocked it into the net and perpetrated one of the most diabolical sporting injustices of the 21st century to date. Controlling the ball with your hand, you see, is rather frowned upon in soccer.
FIFA, world soccer's governing body, "considered the situation" (read: opened a bottle of '98 Margaux, ate snails, adjusted each other's berets) and declined to overturn the ruling. Ireland was out. Henry apologized, but it didn't matter. France was going to the World Cup. And there we waited.
But the vengeful spirit of a people is not a thing to trifle with. And the Irish can be a very vengeful people, as anyone who's tried to read Finnegans Wake can attest. Henry had disturbed a dark, malevolent O'something lurking in the emerald hearts of the people of the leprechaun isle. And the World Cup was about to pay the price.
How do I know that the Curse of the Henry Handball is real? Consider the evidence from Friday alone.
Item! China, a team currently ranked 84th in the world by FIFA, shockingly wins a tune-up friendly against one of the world's elite teams. Can you guess which team it beat? I will end your suspense. It beat France.
Item! Didier Drogba, the Ivory Coast star who is one of the best strikers in the world, goes out with a broken arm in a friendly against Japan, rendering him questionable for the entire World Cup. Now, Drogba, you object, is not from France. That is correct. He is not from France. He is from Côte d'Ivoire. Where the official state language is...French.
Item! Rio Ferdinand, the captain of the England team, injures his knee and is ruled out of the tournament. But come now, you say, be sensible! Surely the captain of the England team has nothing to do with the French! Well, I could point to the small matter of Rio's having first donned the armband in Paris. But leave that aside. Say instead that you are the awakened vengeance of the entire Irish people. You have struck against your enemies. Where do you strike next? God save the queen, indeed.
Couple these ironclad gauntlets of evidence with all the bizarre stories coming out of the French training camp lately — dune-buggy crashes! bicycle spills! regulation target practice! — and I think the case is clear. There's only one way to save the World Cup. Return Thierry Henry's hand to the sacred French burial ground at Père Lachaise Cemetery. Put the Irish in France's spot in Group A. Let the spirits sleep. Do the right thing, Sepp Blatter.
Source: Yahoo
So the question isn't whether the World Cup is cursed. The question is what's causing it. What pyramid has been disturbed? What princess has eaten the wrong brand of delicious apple? What tubby Red Sox pitcher has been shown a bat and sold to the New York Yankees? Only when we unearth the answer to this searing question can we put things to rights and let the spirits rest. Thus, because it is obviously up to me to save all soccer as we know it, I give you The Curse of the Henry Handball.
Recall, if you will, the night of Nov. 18, 2009. This was the crisp autumn eve when Ireland played France in Paris with a trip to the World Cup on the line. Thanks to France's 1-0 win four days earlier in Ireland, the Irish team needed an improbable road victory against the heavily favored French to keep their hopes for South Africa alive. Amazingly, in the 32nd minute, Ireland's Robbie Keane scored, leveling the tie at 1-1. And that was where the match finished. Both teams still needed one goal to make the World Cup. We went to extra time.
Your view of what happened next depends on whether you are Swedish referee Martin Hansson or any of the other approximately 6,824,899,999 people on Earth. If you are the referee, France's Thierry Henry made a routine legal pass to William Gallas, who knocked the ball into net and won the game for France. If you are anyone else who is currently alive on the planet, France's Thierry Henry stopped the ball from going out of bounds with his hand, bobbled it in the air, batted up with his hand a second time, spun it on his fingertip like a Harlem Globetrotter, then passed it to William Gallas, who knocked it into the net and perpetrated one of the most diabolical sporting injustices of the 21st century to date. Controlling the ball with your hand, you see, is rather frowned upon in soccer.
FIFA, world soccer's governing body, "considered the situation" (read: opened a bottle of '98 Margaux, ate snails, adjusted each other's berets) and declined to overturn the ruling. Ireland was out. Henry apologized, but it didn't matter. France was going to the World Cup. And there we waited.
But the vengeful spirit of a people is not a thing to trifle with. And the Irish can be a very vengeful people, as anyone who's tried to read Finnegans Wake can attest. Henry had disturbed a dark, malevolent O'something lurking in the emerald hearts of the people of the leprechaun isle. And the World Cup was about to pay the price.
How do I know that the Curse of the Henry Handball is real? Consider the evidence from Friday alone.
Item! China, a team currently ranked 84th in the world by FIFA, shockingly wins a tune-up friendly against one of the world's elite teams. Can you guess which team it beat? I will end your suspense. It beat France.
Item! Didier Drogba, the Ivory Coast star who is one of the best strikers in the world, goes out with a broken arm in a friendly against Japan, rendering him questionable for the entire World Cup. Now, Drogba, you object, is not from France. That is correct. He is not from France. He is from Côte d'Ivoire. Where the official state language is...French.
Item! Rio Ferdinand, the captain of the England team, injures his knee and is ruled out of the tournament. But come now, you say, be sensible! Surely the captain of the England team has nothing to do with the French! Well, I could point to the small matter of Rio's having first donned the armband in Paris. But leave that aside. Say instead that you are the awakened vengeance of the entire Irish people. You have struck against your enemies. Where do you strike next? God save the queen, indeed.
Couple these ironclad gauntlets of evidence with all the bizarre stories coming out of the French training camp lately — dune-buggy crashes! bicycle spills! regulation target practice! — and I think the case is clear. There's only one way to save the World Cup. Return Thierry Henry's hand to the sacred French burial ground at Père Lachaise Cemetery. Put the Irish in France's spot in Group A. Let the spirits sleep. Do the right thing, Sepp Blatter.
Source: Yahoo
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